Reminiscing about the roller-coaster of feelings I had about how I’d cope with the life of an Airline Pilot’s Girlfriend/Wife before he was qualified.
NB This Blog has MOVED. Please find this post on my NEW BLOG at: http://partnerofapilot.wordpress.com/2007/12/19/reminiscing-about-the-roller-coaster-of-feelings-i-had-about-how-id-cope-with-being-an-airline-pilots-girlfriend-before-he-was-qualified/
Well, Bf has just sent me a text to say that he is on his way home now. I’ll get him back at about 3pm tomorrow. WOO HOO! Another long-haul trip out of the way and behind us.
I’ve been speaking to a few friends I’ve met online recently. Their boyfriends are just in the process of training for their CPLs (Commercial Pilots Licence). I was talking to them about my experience of being in a relationship with someone who did it.
I have to admit, it has been a complete roller-coaster. I honestly wouldn’t want to turn back the clock, and re-live it all given the chance. I know that it probably sounds really awful of me to say that, but I remember so well the angst and uncertainty I felt about: how I’d cope when he was really an airline pilot, and my insecurities about how our relationship would weather the test of time in the aviation industry.
I can honestly say, that overall, my experiences have not been nearly as hard as I imagined, though, at the same time, his career lifestyle has on occasions, caused me immeasurable pain too.
I would not be with him now, if he were not worth the effort, pain and sacrifices that I have had to make; but I just would not go back and repeat the time all over again. It’s a case of ‘been there, done it, and worn the T-shirt’. Of course there are some nice perks to the lifestyle too, though not enough to base the worthiness of an intimate relationship with a pilot on.
I want only to look forward. I didn’t say this to them, because to be honest, they don’t want or need to hear it. If they are meant to be together, then their relationships will withstand everything that aviation throws at them (which it will, of that you can be completely certain: Christmases, birthdays, anniversaries, weekends, will never be taken for granted again). I know a pilot wife who’s husband almost missed the birth of his first child because she went into labour 3 weeks early when he was on a trip! It certainly isn’t an easy life, as some of my friends (outside the industry)seem to imagine. I have had girlfriends ask me to set them up with any eligible pilot friends Bf has; but to be honest, I would not, because I could not knowingly inflict this on somebody going into it with their eyes closed. It’s different when you fall in love with someone and it happens to be what they do, or want to do…
Would I change his career if I could? …Tough call.
I love that it makes him happy. He eats, breathes and lives for flying, and in that respect, I could not ever wish to take it away from him without changing him into someone that I wouldn’t recognise or love so passionately. However, given the chance, if I could transplant that same enthusiasm and satisfaction from the aviation industry to something that’s not so consuming of our personal lives-YES, absolutely… In a heart beat.
I listened to one of these girls talking to me of her fears about long-haul, cheap flings with Flight Attendants, and time apart whilst he’s in a distant country hours building; of missing time together whilst he’s doing exams, and of the massive financial burden that training will bear on them. All of it smacked of dejavous.
Of course, I was able to reassure her that Flight Attendants aren’t all irresistibly stunning supermodels, and that long-haul isn’t the demon you perceive it to be from a distance, and that eventually, the cost wont be an issue, and the training separation will end. I certainly suggested that she leave herself commitment free enough to be able to take advantage of the long-haul lifestyle WITH him if she had the chance.
She said that her boyfriend only intends to do short-haul. She was so comforted by this, as was I, when Bf originally had the same plans. I’m not sure whether I’m simply jaded by my own experiences, but I thought that she was naive to assume that he wouldn’t grab the opportunity to do some longhaul given half a chance.
I’ve yet to meet a pilot that doesn’t want to trot the globe, and I’ve yet to meet a shorthaul pilot that doesn’t yearn to do some long-haul; fly the bigger planes and ‘get it out of their system’.
Every short-haul pilot I’ve talked to seems to view short-haul flying as a stepping stone, and budget airlines as the pre-curser to a ‘career-airline’ almost as though they were hours building within the industry to achieve their ultimate goal of the prestige flag carriers, and wide-bodied jets.
I know that ultimately, Bf thinks he sees long-haul as something he’ll get out of his system; but I’m not so sure. For the time being at least, he has the luxury of being able to do a mix of short, medium and long-haul with his 757/767 type rating, but if he had to make a choice, one or the other (short or long haul); I think that the lower work-load, the opportunity to fly the bigger jets, and the perk of lying on a beach in the winter are just too irresistibly. The boredom of flying in the cruise, and jet-lag are the pay offs, but not enough to put him off I don’t think.
Honestly, I doubt that given his current work lifestyle, he would ever actively choose to opt out of the long-haul work.
I am actually okay with this, though I’d never admit it to Bf, but had you told me this years ago, I would have needed therapy! I think that adjusting to these things over time, have been key to my acceptance as I could not have emotionally prepared myself to deal with the thought of him being a long-haul pilot without having experienced what I have along the way.
My heart is with these girls and anyone else who is going through all of the emotions and angst about it, but it does eventually get better with time. You find your coping mechanisms as a couple.
I still get my very wobbly days, but they seem to get less frequent, and less intense. I’m hoping that eventually it’ll be water off a duck’s back, but to be honest, I think it depends on your man. I know wives of First Officers who implicitly trust their husbands. The thing they seem to have in common is partners who do not get involved in the less desirable aspects of socialising with crew and alcohol.
On the flip side I know wives of Captains who have had years to acclimatise to the industry, who are jaded by the negative things they’ve seen and heard first hand; that still seek out methods of checking up on their partners to gain reassurance of fidelity and trustworthiness. By contrast, these seem to be the wives of pilots who enjoy the social aspect of having a drink, and going out after work.
I even heard about about a time where one of these partner’s saw a photograph on a flight attendant’s My Space page, of this girl kissing a pilot who happened to be the husband of a friend of hers! I never cease to be amazed at the stupidity and recklessness of men who have the nerve to do this, and the brazen and callous beaviour of the ‘other women’ who indulge them.
I am unsure as yet, whether I will completely overcome my own insecurities and trust issues, or which side of this divide I will sit. For now, I am experiencing long-haul living, and evaluating my feelings and his behaviour each day as it comes.
Only time will tell, but I have learned that there are a lot of partners and wives who aren’t completely honest about their feelings in open forums. Many gloss over their insecurities and are trying to kid themselves with their casual remarks about how relaxed they are and how fantastically they cope. It’s taken me time to work this out, but I finally realised that this is normal for most, even if it’s just once in a while on their down days. We all have them.
December 19th, 2007 at 3:25 am
I have to say, this has helped me more than you can imagine. SO and I have only been together for a few months, and he is changing from the corporate side to the airlines, so I know it will be a change for us and our relationship. Thanks so much for the advice!!
December 22nd, 2007 at 3:36 am
Thanks for writing about the life of the airline pilot. My husband, X, is a corporate pilot and sometimes yearns for a life as an airline pilot. I guess there are ups and downs in all types of aviation careers. I have experience as a military pilot wife and a corporate pilot wife.
Today is one of my “down days”. I miss my husband more today than usual because of the holiday season. We will be spending another Christmas away from our parents and siblings and I am homesick. X comes home tomorrow and has to take off Christmas Day in the afternoon. I have moved 7 times in the last 7 years that we have been married and I have yet to make a friend that I can share the good, bad and the ugly with over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. I have friends here but not a close friend. I am a stay-at-home mom of three great kids. I have lots to be thankful for in life yet I sit here on my pity pot. On my down days, I am jealous of the excitement in Xs job. I am jealous of his dinners out while I am eating macaroni and cheese with the kids. Usually on my down days, I end up getting in an argument with X on the phone and hanging up on him. Then, my insecurities get the best of me wondering if he did have affair, would it be my fault for being a jealous wife who is no longer the vivacious vixen I once was years ago. Being a pilot’s wife isn’t glamorous, it is hard. The main question I see in most of these blogs on aviation wives/girlfriends/partners is: Is it worth it? The answer for me is, “X is worth it”. I love the man.
January 3rd, 2008 at 3:29 pm
I find it so refreshing how you speak with such honesty.
I gloss over my insecurities when I talk to strangers but I never gloss over how difficult being with a pilot makes my life - I think even the most naive of people can tell it is not an easy life to live.
Your blog is so honest and full of intelligent insight that makes me laugh but also makes me very thoughtful about my own situation. It is overall hugely comforting! x
April 17th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
thank you so much for writing this page, it is so nice to know that someone is going through the same as me, my boyfriend is doing short haul just now. He was unsure about long haul, but now he really wants to do it, i feel devastated and he will probably need to move country. He keeps on trying to talk me into it, thinking i will move with him, but what life will i have if he is travelling the world and i have to live somewhere where i dont know anyone? i also have low self esteem, i cant bare the thought of the “party” lifestyle. The ironic thing is that im an air hostess myself!! i havent yet told my boyfriend any of this, he has 2-3 years before he builds up flying hours to do long haul. Its hard to keep smiling because it is always at the back of my mind. Right now im not sure what to do, do i tell him how i feel? we have only been together 11 months, is it too soon to question his career? xx
May 26th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
My fiance is a F/O in an airline too and we are about to get married. These are the exact feelings I have about his job. We live together and I hate being alone, hate worrying about whether he has an affair or not, hate not being able to even plan the weekend, saying the same sentence to your friends again and again “Let me look at X’s schedule then I will let you know”. No matter how much I trust him I always have that fear deep in my heart. And these feelings…can only be understood by another pilot’s partner…
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:59 pm
My boyfriends an airline host…he gets nearlly no time off and has to serve 8 weeks on local flights in Australia for 8 weeks leaving us with webcam and email to talk. We havn’t been together that long - but I have fallen for him, and I think he has fallen for me too…although I am his first boyfriend so I am not sure how long we will last anyway…
But does it get easier? I have suggested him change his contract to try and help us see each other more…and he to see his family more…
Anyone got words of advice?
June 4th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Hi there,
Please note my blog has moved to: http://partnerofapilot.wordpress.com (including this entry which is at: http://partnerofapilot.wordpress.com/2007/12/19/reminiscing-about-the-roller-coaster-of-feelings-i-had-about-how-id-cope-with-being-an-airline-pilots-girlfriend-before-he-was-qualified/#comment-838 )
It does get easier with time. You will learn to deal with the irregular times more easily, and he will learn to prioritize you more. Him changing airlines may work, although he would likely still spend time away. I never thought I’d be strong enough to deal with this lifestyle at the start of our relationship; but time and love seem to help you learn!
Good luck, and stay in touch
June 30th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
It’s very enlightening to read how other partners of pilots have to deal with the constant pain and insecurity of dealing with your partner being away and surrounded by constant temptation. I swap almost daily between thinking ‘all is ok, he loves me’ to ‘i’m being a mug, it’s inevitably giong to fail’. I guess it depends on your man, unfortunately mine is one of the ones who loves to get drunk and socialise with the crew. A recipe for disaster in my eyes. I takes an incredible amount of faith and trust to be with a pilot - and if I’d known what it would be like I would have run a mile.
June 30th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
It’s okay that he likes those things as long as you can go to occasionally, and that he doesn’t get totally hammered when away without you-if you’re not okay with that.
Bf likes to party occasionally, but not at the expense of his family or career.
You’ll find your coping mechanisms and boundaries together as a couple. You’ll both have to make compromises as you make your way along the steep learning curve of a relationship within the aviation industry.
It is hard, and it takes a special person to put up with and trust someone in this industry. That said, like every industry, there are a few a-holes out there who should be avoided like the plague! They are the ones that tarnish the whole industry with their shady behaviour and morals (lack of).
Every walk of life has people like this, this industry just offers them more opportunities and scope to indulge it. Hopefully you know deep down whether your man is morally unsound or not. If your gut says he’s genuine, but you think he needs to curb the behaviour that could lead to him making mistakes he’d regret, talk to him.
Pilots can be guilty of arrogance that leads them to think thet’re above making stupid mistakes… This is naivity. They think they will be able to avoid making mistakes simply because they dont mean to do so… That is not always the case where alcohol is concerner though (as us mere mortals know LOL).
I’m sure he’ll get to grips with it, and get over himself if you open up the communication.. GOOD LUCK
July 16th, 2008 at 6:51 am
My husband is an airline pilot. I have trust issues. I am lonely a lot. We have 4 kids and I have lots of trouble (as Jen said above), getting through my days and weeks. I feel like the door mat left at home to hold up the fort just because we have kids, not because we are a couple. I love him very much, so much it hurts that at times I do think it is NOT worth the pain, so I cotemplate leaving him. I worry about affairs, the one night stand kind, where there is no way to know or find out. I recently found out he was watching internet porn, so that made me feel so unloved and wanted. He says that’s all he did and wouldn’t do it anymore even though he thinks there is nothing wrong with it. Yeah right. I am not that stupid. He claims most hotels don’t have internet where they send him, so I never get emails. He goes international, so I only get a call when he lands back in the U.S. days later. You’d think he would get a calling card or something after 9 years of this. Do I think he loves me? No.
July 16th, 2008 at 8:43 am
Perhaps he is honest about not doing anything more… To be honest I think most men, and a lot of women watch porn… It doesn’t mean that they are cheating, and men in particular often don’t realise that it might even be viewed as a betrayal by their partner.
Not that I am excusing his behaviour. If it deeply offends you, then he is right to say he will not watch it again… However, maybe you could try experimenting with watching some together-maybe it might spice things up for him and re-capture some of the lost excitement?
I guess if you wanted to look at the brighter side, you could be pleased that he wasn’t chatting online to another woman or watching her on webcam, or cheating on you?
I think that the whole not calling you whilst he is away thing is crap though. Yes, he could get a calling card-OR, even better, give you the landline number of his hotel and room number by text, and let you know by text when he’s available to chat (that’s what Bf and I do). I have found a great company online that alow me to make international calls from my landline at home at a fraction of the cost… I didn’t even need to switch providers, I called them on a business rate number (084- in the UK) and they route the call through for me at a few pennies per minute!!!
If you feel unhappy-then it’s best to take control of the situation rather than feeling powerless. Don’t sit at home waiting for him to call! YOU make the call to him! It would probably work out better than cards any way. He’d probably end up with trillions of part used cards in his wallet or something.
It sounds like he’s not making enough effort (and to be honest, maybe you could both do with making a little more effort-we’re all guilty of letting standards slip over time). So talk to him, tell him how you feel-but don’t expect him to make all the effort, or come up with all the solutions, you are a couple-that means partnership, which implies that you have to work as a team.
Offer constructive solutions, and be open to suggestions. If he still makes no effort, then maybe it’s time to put your own needs and the needs of your kids first!
September 21st, 2008 at 4:14 am
Wow…After being married almost20years (3 kids) and living the roller coaster life you all describe here I am so thankful to read all your posts…My husband flys international 12 days a month. He leaves day one and returns day 3 and I feel everything you all mention…the pain and lonliiness…the questions in my mind…Like Carrie I worry about the one night standkind of affair…He is a porn lover too..Sometimes I wish he would fall in love with someone else and “let me go” because it is too hard to live this lifestyle…He is arrogant and egocentric and does nothing to recognize how hard it is being married to him…I work full time and manage everything…All he does is fly and whine how tired he is when he gets home…i don’t know what he does on his layovers- He says he is tired - sleeps - gets up and exercises - then eats and sleeps to return home…it sounds harmlessenough but he never gives me any real details..I only know his schedule. It doesn’t help that we are opposites on all fronts religion, politics, our backgrounds- even our horoscopes say we are the worst possible match…Just when I have had enough is when he finally shows me some attention…I hate it. He seems to thrive on this love hate relationship…His pilot buddy summed it up to me years ago…He told me about how his girl slapped him one minute and kissed him the next and it was the ultimate turnon…That may work for dating nut not for a real grown up life. My husband is a great looking guy but is obsessed with his physical appearance and fitness - and always has time for it- I feel he is selfish as he always makes time to workout - while I do everything else! I try to stay in shape but after 3 kids it just aint the same! He willl compare his stomach and ass to mine! I find him so offensive it carries into our sex life…He is a tremendous lover and our sex life is great but 2x a month isn’t enough! (I’m 40 and he is 47) I don’t know if this is ‘normal’ but I have always felt underserved in that area…I guess he wants quality not quantity but it leaves me feeling I don’t even want to connect emotionally anymore because it is just too painful. I cant regret because we have the greatest kids but if I had my eyes open- I would agree with Mandy - run! How I crave a consistant and comfortable relationship- this roller coaster ride has gone on too long…
March 5th, 2009 at 2:07 am
It’s amazing to me that we all are feeling the same things.
My husband and I have been married 25 years. People used to ask me how I kept from being jealous or concerned. I would respond that I decided before we married I wouldn’t doubt him unless he gave me reason to. This year was the first time I ever doubted him. I can’t believe that after what I went through when he was building his career he would let me down now. My advice to younger women with a pilot. Travel WITH HIM as soon as you can. I just traveled with my husband on a couple of trips and it was an eye opener. The layovers don’t give them much time to rest. The flight attendants are friendly, very tired, and very sick of bossy men. I didn’t feel they were a threat. I did find the desk clerks at the hotels to be flirts. They all flirted with my husband. The one in Paris actually kept calling out to him every time we walked by. She was so dumb she didn’t realize he was ignoring her because he was with his wife. I can tell you this. Quit thinking about the future when your pilot makes it and start making HOME so good that he won’t ever want to pick up a trip to Paris.
May 29th, 2009 at 6:09 am
hi, I had the following article on changing career and wanted to share it on your blog.
It is no easy trick to switch careers at midlife, but more and more people are taking the leap and starting over at jobs they love IT IS UNKNOWN. SO CHANGE CAN BE FRIGHTENING. And exhilarating. Which is why the Chinese word for change is composed of two characters - one for danger and the other for opportunity. To face any sort of change one needs to hug both aspects. Three years ago, Anil Thirumalai (name changed) found himself grinding out a seemingly endless stream of marketing strategies and press releases for corporate clients. The 45-year-old owner of a small public relations firm knew he had to make a career change. “I was not having any fun,” says Thirumalai. While Anil’s interest in PR had begun to cool, his enthusiasm for food and cooking had been heating up. He would prepare elaborate meals - traditional Thanjavur cuisine he had learned from his grandfather - for friends, and fantasize about starting a theme restaurant. The time had come, he decided, to move that idea to the front and centre. “I realized that I had to pursue the change or it would never happen,” he says.
Adventures. 20 years ago, such a switch would have triggered a minor earthquake at home. Today, his wife Devaki just wants him to “follow his heart.” Her reasoning: “The kids have grown up and are more
Several people told Tiwari, ‘You’re really brave/foolish to trade a lucrative career in architecture for teaching.’ But “I feel like I am doing exactly what I have wanted to do my entire life,” says the 53-year-old. “I have an incredible level of confidence about the situation. I will never make as much money as an architect but things have never felt so right,” insists Tiwari.
RISK TAKER
There are perils - and pluses - to changing careers midstream. The trouble is you will not know what they are until you have taken the leap. Actor Boman Irani (of Munnabhai MBBS and Lage Raho Munna Bhai fame) jumped jobs so often that he re fined the act into a fine art, before finding his true calling at 40. Here is his story in his own words.
“After my HSC in Science, I switched to a course in Catering Management, following which I wore a monkey suit and worked in the Taj - waiting tables in the Rendezvous and Apollo Bar or room servicing. “However in 1981 Mum met with an accident and I had to step in to run her shop Golden Wafers. There I “Since I had no zoom lens I was restricted to shots which allowed me to go close to the subject, like say boxing. Whatever money I made went into buying a lens or two. ‘The kind-hearted Aspi Adajania made me official photographer of the World Cup Boxing and then to my utter delight got me to shoot a Norwegian Boxing Match, for which I was paid handsomely. Yay ! I bought my first Nikon Camera and Zoom lens.
“And then I struggled within: C’man, it’s time to give myself a chance and make photography into more than a hobby. But when I shared my dreams with my wife Zenobia and mum, they were scared stiff. ‘Give me two years I begged. ‘If I do not make it I will return to the shop and eat humble pie.’ “It is not just a cliche.
“I started shooting portfolios for friends and somehow I have become famous for them. I’ve done the portfolios for several Miss Indias, models Diana Hayden, Nafisa Joseph, Ujwala Raul, Fleur Xavier.
“Shooting Shiamak Davar swung me feet first on to the stage. He dragged me to Alyque Padamsee who cast me in Rashmi as the pimp who sings a song. That is the genius of Shiamak, who realized that I could act before I knew it myself.
I was ordered to lose 17 kilos, from 100 to 83 in two months stat. I consulted nutritionist Anjali Mukherjee, went on a rigorous diet - no breakfast; salad lunches and dinners; tea laced with jaggery - combined with a rigorous exercise routine.
August 14th, 2010 at 1:57 am
My boyfriend of 4 years has just started working short haul for a European budget airline. we got together a year before he began training to be a pilot however in order to train he had to leave the country for a year and a half which meant our relationship was long distance. I could always see an end to the separation because i knew once he got his cpl he would move back home.
what i didnt take into account was what would happen after that. As soon as he got a job he was required to train in sweeden for 2 months (we didnt see each other for that whole time) and then he was sent to london for his line training. he is currently still based out of london however soon his line training will be over and he will be based somewhere else. he could be sent almost anywhere in europe which would mean he would be away 5 days a week and home for 3 days.
I notice alot of women have talked about being jaded from their experiences and thats how i feel. im tired and emotionally drained. I saw the separation as being temporary when he started training and envisioned us living happily ever after as soon as the year and a half of cpl training was done. but it hasnt worked out like that. we fight constantly i get angry because i feel abandoned and lonely. im 22 and i see my peers either living the single life or cuddled up with their boyfriends every night in front of the tv and i really want it for myself.
its come to a point were i need to make a decision to either live the hard life of being a pilots girlfriend and eventually wife and potentially remain less than happy or break up. im just confused because i care about him so much and want to support him but i want my own life as well and for the last 4 years its been all about his life. at this stage im questioning if i still love him or if the lifestyle has got the better of me. recently i have been so emotionally switched off from him in order to deal with the distance that i have found myself not wanting to kiss him or have sex when he is home and resenting him for interrupting my life. I have also received alot of male attention and have found myself wondering what life would be like with a ‘normal’ boyfriend. I feel like i am failing him in some way. can anybody offer me some advice? i have talked to all my friends and no one can relate so cant help.