Partner of a Pilot

My sons , like any other children their age, love to have friends home for ’sleep-overs’. Bf though, is not into little people belonging to other people; so I tend to indulge their sleep-over requests when he is on a long-haul trip away. This week was the first time that the younger boy has had a friend over for the night (he is just 5).  I decided to let each of them invite a friend, so that neither of them was ‘left out’. I looked like the pied-piper walking home from school with four boys between 5 and 9 and the pushchair with Baby in it.

Tho other mums at the park thought I must be bonkers, but I generally find the boys are more occupied when they have friends over and are not really any bother at all… GENERALLY…

After ‘tiring them out’ at the park (in my dreams), we went home. The younger guest is quite intelligent and articulate for his age. He bombarded me with verbal diarrhea dialogue for the entire walk, nobody else could get a word in edge ways! Constant crap chat about how his parents were buying him some toy because they had eaten all of his Easter egg whilst he was asleep… It was quite sweet at first, but it slowly managed to wear thin, until he was really rubbing my last raw nerve the wrong way… I managed to zone out, and say yes occasionally through a glued on smile.

When we got home, the kids all rushed up to the boys room to play, but the young guest decided he preferred grown up company and haunted me instead. It was the first ever sleep over he has done-and I know his mother was quite anxious about it; so I tolerated it in the hope that he would settle quickly before joining in with the others.  He announced to me in the delightfully but brutally honest way that children do, that

“Your house is quite small… But your garden is HUGE!” (quite funny actually-his mum cringed when she heard).

me “yes it is, but it won’t be soon; we’re building more rooms onto the house like your parents did”.

He wandered out of the kitchen still talking, I thought maybe he was starting to feel more comfortable and was going to join the others upstairs. However, the voice stayed disappointingly close. I went out to investigate. He was in Bf’s leather recliner chair, something our boys do not go near; as it is a child-free zone. In his hand was a crystal cube into which I’d had a clear 3D photo (of baby at about 6 months old) laser-etched for Bf’s birthday.  I ensured my tone was gentle, despite wanting to screech at him!

“Oh, don’t touch that sweetie! It’s very fragile and cannot be replaced if it gets broken! …Why don’t you go upstairs and play with the others, it’s quite boring down here-don’t you think?” (PLEASE GO UPSTAIRS!?)

He wandered over to Baby’s basket of toys and started having a rummage… “I tell you what… I think you’d have much more fun with the boys, listen to them!”  Finally, he trotted off to play.

Supper time is always a pain in the arse joy with their friends. We have always given the children a wide range of grown-up meals and ensured that they eat a wide variety of fresh fruit and vegetables, but I nearly always find that other people’s children are pandered to by their parents-and allowed to refuse vegetables because the child ‘doesn’t like them’. The oldest child used to say this, but we’ve never allowed them not to eat something for this reason; and actually they love pretty much everything now!

When I have children ‘over for tea’. They have to eat what they are given, because I don’t want the boys to see other children being allowed to refuse healthy food.  I try to do my homework and find out what the child doesn’t like first, but with two guests, it’s quite hard to satisfy both. I tend to try and make a compromise between junk and healthy food. I’ll try to make food fun by chopping up lots of raw vegetables, and making pizza bases up-then allowing them to make their own pizzas. It normally works a treat, but both guest children were fussy. One wouldn’t eat mushrooms and onions; the other didn’t like any vegetables. I insisted that he have some, and appealed to his desire to be an artist when he grows up “what kind of artist wouldn’t use all these colours to decorate a pizza? Chefs are artists too-and they use lots of ingredients to make their food perfect!”

He loaded up his pizza with an assortment of goodies; but when it came to eating them, he thought I might not notice if he scraped them into a mushy pile, and squashed them into a lump, ’hidden’ by his fork (rather like an elephant trying to hide behind a lamp post).  I sat there and fed the squishy pulp to him under pain of no dessert. He gagged and feigned sickness, but managed to eat nearly all of it.

After some more play time, I got them to change for bed and read Horrid Henry to them before settling them all down. (Ya Rrrrright!)

• 8:30pm - In bed having a story.
• 9:00pm - I tell them to ‘go to sleep’  
• 9:45ish - Same again (More firmly)
• 10:30pm - I tell them I am starting to get angry. They start ‘telling tales’ about who’s fault it is…
• 11:30pm - “GO TO SLEEP!!! I NEED TO SLEEP!” 
• 12:30am - I resort to threatening them… “Next one to talk is sleeping in the travel cot in the hall way!”
• 1:00am - Boys FINALLY asleep (At least I’d have a lie in though… Right? … WRONG!) 
• 2:30am - Baby decided to wake up and have a cry 
• 3:45am - Bf rang me to say goodnight
• 3:55am-4:30am Couldn’t sleep…
• 6:30am - BOYS WOKE UP!!!!
• 6:40am - Boys making as much noise as physically able
• 6:41am- I am evil, demonic, scary woman looking like the living dead whilst sounding like Regan from the Exorcist telling them to ‘be quiet’ whilst I try to get more sleep!
• 6:42am- Oldest son, informs me, somewhat disappointed, that the tooth fairy didn’t visit to pay him last night…
• 6:43am - I am seriously considering child-abuse (joke)
• 6:44am - I inform them that whilst they might not require sleep, the tooth fairy and I obviously do… I am going back to bed, and they MUST not wake me again. 
• 7:30am - Baby wakes up (I give up)!
• 9:40am- Young Guest’s mum arrives. Young guest thanks me for having him (after prompting) and says he’d love to come again some time for a sleep-over (HA! over my very dead body!)

So here I am, feeling haggard and half dead. I am resolved NEVER to do another sleep-over involving children under 7! EVER AGAIN! I’m adopting Bf’s attitude towards other people’s children from now on-I like them… But I couldn’t eat a whole one!

I feel like there isn’t enough of me to go around at the moment! I am writing this from my phone in bed because I can’t sleep!

My dad at 62 years of age, has just found himself without work for the first time in his life. He pretty much always owned his own successful business, but sold it to ‘retire’ to France. The thing is, he is highly skilled and kept getting contracts and short term consultancy offers; which he kept taking.

He has since come to rely on this money, and now he is lost! Being the ‘resident’ recruitment experience of the family; my services were called upon to write his first ever CV and help him with the whole recruitment process.

I think that in the past week, l must have worked over 6 hours on it all!

Add to the equation: a job to work, 3 children to care for, Bf to spend time with, meals and general housework to do… I feel completely stretched beyond capacity!

It is now almost midnight, and I have to be ready to leave at 6:15am to take Bf to the airport (to fly to Greece). My mind is buzzing with all the stuff I have to get done though, so I can’t sleep!

I wish I could have a few more hours in the day!

I haven’t written much on a personal level recently, purely because life has been pretty uneventful. Bf hasn’t been working much this month. He’s had just the one long-haul trip last weekend, and today he is doing a flight to the Canary Islands and back.

It’s been REALLY great having him home and our relationship feels revived and brand new.  Normally we have tended to become a little irritable when has been home without much work to occupy him; but that doesn’t seem to have happened this month. I guess I have been busier since I have been working more, but we just seem to have found our groove.

At last, I think we have both come to terms with our lives after a huge period of adjustment. He has taken quite a time to come to terms with his role as a father.  I am led to believe that this is quite common though (particularly for men); a health professional summed it up well when she described the way we are thrust into parenthood; as being rather like Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, leaving you in a state of shock emotionally and unable to function in quite the same way emotionally following the birth of your first child.

I could totally identify with this… Baby wasn’t planned and although we were obviously overjoyed when she was born; you can just never fully prepare yourself for the impact a child will have on your lifestyle, or how you will just feel ‘differently’ about life. I think men struggle more with the concept of growing up and becoming responsible (or maybe I just suffered my PTSS with my first child 8 years ago). Bf was totally in love with our daughter from the moment that she was born; but this was also a contradiction to his love for his previously care-free life of fun, and his lack of financial burden.  In essence, men like him want to be boys forever (I call it Peter Pan syndrome, maybe it’s just men who fly).

Plus, we did rather overload the whole major life changes thing all at once. A change in homes, moving in together financially for the first time, having a child together, his loss of his medical for a couple of months, and major problems with my ex; combined with a change in work incorporating long-haul flying & my giving up work for maternity leave. It really isn’t any wonder that we struggled to deal with all of these issues at once.

I think my returning to work has helped.  It has eased some of the pressure from him financially and means that he has some extra money to ‘play’ with. I use the word play, because being the inner child that he is, he has spent pretty much every penny on boys toys… Radio controlled boys toys to be specific. He has become utterly obsessed with radio controlled aeroplanes and helicopters.  I am amazed how much these gadgets cost, and how many he seems to want to own! He has bought 5 since Christmas, and is already researching his next!

I have started to feel a little irritated by the number of radio controlled aircraft littering the house (they aren’t exactly small). Even the pots of glue and spare parts seem to ‘need’ to live in the dining area! Apparently the planes cannot be stored in the garage as they might get damp.  I have pointed out that his classic car seems to survive in there okay, but I just get given scornful looks.  He actually suggested hanging some of them in our bedroom! Obviously I refused-I cannot bear the thought of him looking up at planes instead of me in bed!

I think these ‘toys’ are somehow a bit of a safety net for him though. They allow him to hold onto a sense of the boy within, and I guess I can live with the additional clutter, if the side effect is a relationship as happy as the one we have been enjoying recently… He’s even been engaging with the boys more as a result too, the oldest one has even started saving up his pocket money so that he can buy one on ebay *groan*.

Its good that Bf finally seems to have embraced this life and knows at last that it IS where he wants to be. It’s taken nearly a year; but hey, better late than never!

Link to news story

I just found this news story today:

The Associated Press • March 24, 2008 

“A gun belonging to the pilot of a US Airways plane discharged as the aircraft was on approach to land in North Carolina over the weekend, the first time a weapon issued under a federal program to arm pilots was fired, authorities said today.

The “accidental discharge” Saturday aboard Flight 1536 from Denver to Charlotte did not pose a danger to the aircraft or the 124 passengers, two pilots and three flight attendants aboard, said Greg Alter of the Federal Air Marshal Service.

“We know that there was never any danger to the aircraft or to the occupants on board,” Alter said.

The firing is the first time a pilot’s weapon has been fired on a plane under a program created after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks to allow pilots, for example, to use a firearm to defend against any act of air piracy or criminal violence, he said.

The Transportation Security Administration is investigating how the gun discharged and is being assisted by the Air Marshal Service, Alter said.”

Federal Aviation Administration spokesman Mike Fergus said his agency is also investigating to make sure that the plane is safe. The aircraft has been removed from service, the airline said.”

I knew that air marshals existed, but I hadn’t realised that commercial pilots in the US were also able to carry guns! I don’t think it is the case in the UK-certainly not with any of the pilots that we know. I asked Bf how he would feel about carrying one-he said he wouldn’t want to carry a gun; and I don’t blame him a bit.

It’s not as though pilots are inconspicuous walking around in their uniform; and terrorists don’t exactly wear high-visibility jackets or uniforms to identify themselves-I would feel like a walking armory if I were a pilot; and knew that people watching me knew I could potentially be carrying a weapon that would be useful to them.  I just think that with security becoming ever tighter in the airport, perhaps a pilot carrying a loaded weapon (if indeed they carry them with them prior to getting on board the plane) could be viewed as a weak link to be preyed upon by terrorists. 

I am sure the pilots in question receive great training to help aid them in a confrontational situation, but it’s a situation I’d rather not be placed in in the first place! I think it is so sad that things have come to a stage where professional pilots have to carry a weapon. Apparently the number is set to rise too:

It is currently estimated that 9,500 United States airline pilots are authorized to carry guns in the cockpit. That number is projected to grow to around 15,000 in the next three year according to a Transportation Security Administration (TSA) projection. In a 3,500-page public budget document, the Homeland Security Department disclosed that 10.8% of eligible people have gone through training and been authorized to carry handguns. The Federal Air Marshal (FAM) Service, which oversees the program to arm pilots, said that 85,000 to 90,000 pilots and other flight officers are eligible to carry handguns. FAM spokesman Nelson Minerly said he “can’t object” to a conclusion that about 9,500 pilots are armed, but would not confirm the number, saying it is confidential. (JetPhotos.net)

However, I guess on the positive side of this; it’s nice that pilots are given some credibility and treated with trust by security-over here, in the UK, pilots cannot even carry a bottle of water through security!

OH MY GOD!!!!

News Version

Perez Hilton’s gossip verion (much funnier) 

Centava Dozier, a 21 year old female from Houston, TX got a very unexpected surprise after waking up from a nap aboard an American Airlines flight.

Dozier was on a flight from DFW International airport to Los Angeles, CA, to visit some family and friends. When the flight took off, she was sitting on an unoccupied row on the plane and decided to get some rest.

When she woke up, she found a sticky substance in her hair along with a man masturbating in the seat right next to her!!!!!!

Dozier claims that when she went to ask the flight attendants for help and to have the pervert removed from the seat next to her and taken to his assigned seat, the staff did nothing.

The man was arrested when the plane landed.

Dozeir has filed a $200,000 suit against American Airlines, claiming that a passenger masturbated next to her and then ejaculated in her hair while she slept, and that the crew failed to assist her afterwards.

Representatives for American Airlines maintain that their staff aboard the plane took appropriate action and had the individual arrested upon arrival.

Guess everyone is going to start thinking twice before falling asleep on a plane?

Here’s the link to the story

Written by Bruce Daniels - ABQnewsSeeker   Monday 3rd March 2008

Mesa Airlines pilot said he didn’t want to leave gun in his car at the Sunport. A Mesa Airlines pilot who was deadheading on another airline at the Albuquerque International Sunport early Friday was found to have a .357-caliber handgun in his carry-on luggage, Sunport spokesman Daniel Jiron told ABQjournal.com.The man told authorities he didn’t want to leave the gun in his car at an airport parking lot, Jiron told us.Jiron said he wouldn’t know the pilot’s name or the disposition of the case until an airport police report is available later today.

I wonder what was actually going through his head as he decided that it was a better idea to carry it in his personal carry-on luggage through security and onto a commercial flight rather than leave it in his car or make some other alternative arrangements!?

I have to wonder if he will get sacked for his actions… (I cant seem to find any further information on the story)

I was reading a discussion thread in a pilot wife forum today about women’s tips to restore a stale relationship. It’s not a problem that Bf and I have luckily, but I’m all for hearing advice from women who have made successful marriages for many years. Some of these women have been happily married for over 20 years.

I felt so sorry for the lady who initiated the discussion, and a few of the others in the group actually. They are stuck in relationships where their pilots act cold and withdrawn from their wives and children. I could not imagine Bf being withdrawn from us. These women obviously still love their husbands very much and cannot consider walking away.

One lady had some really constructive advice, which was to make sure that you plan ‘date nights’. Before you have children, it’s so easy to make time out to have fun care-free moments. Having children changes the whole dynamic of the relationship. You are tied to your home and a routine. I cannot just up and leave for a few days on a trip with Bf without major planning for the boys school drops/collections and ensuring that my mum is free to come and stay after she leaves work.

We cannot go for a night out without arranging and paying for a babysitter. We have no family close by, so it’s not as though we can press upon relations to help out without them going out of their way to do it.  It’s easy to get sucked into a life of nights in with the computer or TV for company…

Bf gets especially frustrated, because a great deal of his time off is mid-week, when school is on. This means that we are restricted to having to be around to do the school run at 9 and 3. Not great if you want to go and DO something for the day.  I really relate to what was being said, because we arrange nights out, and I have been on a few trips. It is a major pain in the backside to organise it all and it can cost a packet, but it’s SO WORTH the effort to go out and still be a couple in love.

I feel inspired to organise another ‘date night’; it’s been too long! I think I’m going to surprise him :-) 

What do you do to keep it fresh?

I am on cloud nine tonight… No particular reason at all; I’m just feeling the love! It’s SO NICE to be able to look at my man over four years and a baby into our relationship and still get butterflies in my tummy! (I used to always grow bored of men in my old relationships after a year or so).

I was throwing some washing into the machine earlier and I asked him if he ‘had any darks’ to wash. He peeled his top off, exposing his tight brown torso, and I felt as giddy as a schoolgirl!

I do think that his career choice has something to do with my crush on him staying so strong… We never get a chance to get complacent or bored, when he’s jetting off on a long-haul every other week. It definitely keeps us fresh!

He’s off to India on Friday, and I’m going to France with the kids on Thursday night to spent the long Easter weekend with my family. So, we’re into our ‘making the most of each other’ mode before we get separated for 5 days.

In February, Bf’s roster was all long-haul. It was so frustrating to barely see him. When he’d get home, he’d stroll in looking ever yummier-with his topped up tan and relaxed ‘I’ve been on holiday’ attitude (apart from one time where he managed to burn his forehead, and it peeled (yuk!) We had 2 days where I teased him about how a-PEEL-ing he looked *groan*).

I miss him SO MUCH when he is away, and I don’t sleep as well, because I lie in bed wondering about things like: ‘what time is it where he is now? What would he be doing now? What is he getting to see now? Which restaurant is he at?’ etc. He texts and calls me, and it is never often enough or long enough!

But for March, he bid for no long-haul at all. He’s been given mostly a short-haul roster, with just one long-haul trip over the Easter weekend. I was thrilled at the time his roster came out… So why is it that I now feel utterly fed up with him!? Seriously, if he is home every night for a whole week, and even worse, off most days, it totally throws me off balance!

The whole routine changes for me and the kids, I can’t go to the gym as much, I struggle to keep the place looking nice, there are bags EVERYWHERE (flight case in the living room, bathroom bag by the bathroom window, suitcase half unpacked in our bedroom); I struggle to find time for my own job, and for me, the food shopping, and workload triples, and I end up wishing he’d just go away for a quick trip so I can catch up again!

I think that living as the significant other (wife/girlfriend/husband/whatever) of a pilot who works away a lot-forces you not to rely on them for much. I have ended up being so independent; that I feel stifled somewhat when he is home and I no longer have autonomy! I have to start factoring another decision-maker into the equation.

Bf gets quite hacked off with me at times because he says I always talk about what ‘I’ am doing, or what ‘I’ will do with baby, rather that saying ‘we’ or being less assumptive that he’ll go along with things. The fact is, I don’t do it to be rude or selfish; I do it without thinking because I am just so used to being the one constant factor in the children’s lives. He swans in and out to ‘work’ and I am left to glue the family together; which is fine-I genuinely don’t mind. However I sometimes get irritated that he thinks I should always be talking about everything in the ‘we’ term; because quite frankly-his chosen career doesn’t afford me the luxury to think that way. I am over it, so I genuinely think he needs to learn to get over it too. I do miss him when he’s away, but my life still goes on without him. We dont just take our batteries out and put our lives on pause whilst he’s out galavanting!

He even gets upset if I want to do something fun with the children when he’s away, because he doesn’t like to miss out on any of Baby’s firsts.  Yet, we all have to deal with the fact that he’s off on holiday, experiencing firsts without us, because thats ‘work’!  I did used to wait and avoid doing stuff with friends to accommodate his wishes; but over time, I started to resent the one sided compromises as a pilot SO, and thought to myself ‘actually no, I AM going to have fun with or without him (preferably with obviously, but I am not going to avoid life’s pleasures for him, when he certainly seems to have a ball). 

Any way, I digress, back to the point! This past week I have really felt suffocated by Bf’s constant presence. He has only worked one day over 2 weeks, and the first week was lovely, but this week I have felt irritated that I cant regain the equilibrium! I get days where it bothers me to the point of actual resentment, and we’ll end up bickering. Then I have to pinch myself and remind myself how I feel when he’s away, and how much I love him. I pretty much ignored him yesterday and just did my own thing, but ended up feeling so guilty that I gave him a big apology in the evening!

I just don’t know how to flip a switch to transition seamlessly from my ’single mum’ lifestyle to the ‘nuclear’ family one… I’d love to hear from anyone else about their coping mechanisms for this transition-feel free to message or comment!

Sorry, the post was too long to fit!

…I for one am impressed with the research. For anyone who is interested, a Further Report informs us that the Biofuel used by Richard Branson’s 747 was derived from from a mixture of Brazilian babassu nuts and coconuts. Virgin have said that the babassu tree, native to Brazil, and the coconuts did not compete with staple food sources and came from existing mature plantations… Both products are commonly used in cosmetics and household paper products.

 The problems as I see it (from my limited reading and understanding of the subject) with Bio fuel are:

1. “If you look at the latest scientific research it clearly shows biofuels do very little to reduce emissions,” (Kenneth Richter, of Friends of the Earth)
2. Biofuel is more likely to freeze at high altitude (eeeek)
3. It is not sustainable at present, because there simply isn’t enough arable land available to produce it without significantly impacting on food cost and production

Still, to me this area of research it seems, is still in it’s early days. Experimental research progresses faster when the financial remuneration for the end product is high. With the cost of fuel, and the quantities that the aviation world use. I am in no doubt as to the fact that this is a very lucrative opportunity for the successful team. I am hopeful that this is a good sign for the future!

I have to believe this, as without this hope, my family has a bleak future! I couldn’t imagine Bf without aviation in his life, he get’s quite down as it is whene he just has a week or so without an opportunity to fly! I think most pilot’s SO’s would say the same…

Please let me know if you see anything of interest regarding the fossil fuel/biofuel issue (thanks Shelley for your previous link, though I am still having trouble accessing it reliably).